14 Affirmations that can help you.
Some of the most painful elements of the clinical disease of depression are self-defeating thoughts. When in the thick of the darkness, it’s like wearing a permanent pair of dark sunglasses that color anything black. The person who is clinically depressed may concentrate solely on their weaknesses. This is a way to help. Affirmations are direct and positive aspects of positive psychology. This is a means of moving away from the negative into the positive.
- You are valued even when you’re not productive.
- You are loved despite your sadness.
- You are not sick because of a lack of effort or a failure at adjusting faulty thoughts.
- You are appreciated even when you can’t contribute much.
- You are needed even though you may feel worthless.
- You are separate from your depression.
- You aren’t any less of a person because certain people can’t understand your illness.
- You have preserved and persevered and should celebrate your tenacity.
- You remain strong in your weakness.
- You are much more than your opinions of yourself.
- Your brain is your friend (despite what you hear).
- Your discomfort won’t last forever.
- You are okay where you are right now.
Positive affirmations also help elevate our self-esteem. Good self-esteem is an essential component of overcoming depressed feelings. These types of affirmations show that you care about yourself, have the willingness to change and are ready to take action. This is one step towards moving away from depression.
Dr. Ernest Jarman
9 STEPS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE
If you can get the basics down, your chances are greatly improved for a happy marriage and a long lasting relationship. Balance in a relationship is best achieved if the foundation is strong and basic values and expectations are shared. Assumptions which are ill defined may lead to problems. Here are 9 steps to a happy (or non-married) relationship.
- Worry about your own relationship. Keep focused. Couples can make a mistake of paying too much attention to relationships around them and making comparisons. What works for one couple may not work for another.
- No mind reading. Have you ever had your partner read your mind and be exactly right? Of course, it happens; perhaps frequently. It can be incredibly validating. But when it doesn’t work out, as it often does not, you feel disappointed and frustrated. Relationships can slowly crumble while waiting for the other person to read your mind. End the drama. Speak up.
- Your partner has flaws—leave them alone. Being in a relationship often means that you love your partner regardless of the flaws. You have learned to accept certain behaviors. Maintain this balance. If your hope is to change your partner, perfect them, or prevent them from doing things you dislike, you are in for a bumpy road. The successful relationship involves living with flaws you can handle. Unless, they’re doing something destructive to themselves or your relationship, leave them alone.
- Identify rituals. People tend to have more meaningful relationships when they share common rituals like: eating out on Fridays, a surprise date each month, going for a walk after dinner etc. Rituals tend to be glue for continuing relationships. Respect them.
- Identify Values. Traditionally, common values bring people together and closer. Often, this is the foundation of a relationship. While some values may not align, hopefully the foundational values of your relationship do align. Understand what works and if you can compromise on differences, the foundation can remain intact.
- Follow the argument rule. Inevitably, you are going to find yourself in an argument some day. But people have different approaches to arguments. Some ways are more destructive than others. Follow this simple rule: STOP. Once both people are in an argument they are trying to prove their point and deny the other point of view. When you see this coming, stop. This doesn’t mean to stonewall or become passive-aggressive. It means that it is time to take a break.
- Sex is important. Intimacy is a necessity for healthy relationships. Typically, one partner may desire it more often than the other and some accommodation must be made. If a partner needs sex and does not get it at home, they will likely get it somewhere else. Compromise to maintain a lasting relationship.
- Listen to your partner. People don’t like their comments to fall on deaf ears. What is said in a relationship may communicate a want or need. If you are busy and the time isn’t right, let your partner know when a better time will be.
- Be open to help. Relationships take hard work and admitting to needing help is not a sign of weakness. Often it is a sign of courage. For an example, one partner suggests that both spouses get a hearing test. Your partner is in the best position to identify such a need.
There are many other suggestions and recommendations for a healthy relationship but if you practice these 9 principles, you are likely doing well now. Remember that you choose your partner for a reason and with a commitment to sustain both smooth and choppy waters. Enjoy each other.
Dr. Ernest Jarman
July 1, 2013
Learning to Cope with Depression
Everybody feels depressed from time to time. Moods change on a normal and regular basis. However, this does not mean that someone is having a clinical depression. For normal mood changes, here are some ideas for learning to cope with depressed feelings.
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2013), the people most likely to be depressed include.
- Persons 45-64 years of age.
- Blacks, Hispanics, non-Hispanic persons of other races.
- Persons with less than a high school education.
- Those previous married.
- Individual unable to work or unemployed.
- Persons without insurance coverage.
These are facts based upon research and statistics, but keep in mind anyone can get depressed. Recently, there has been an increase in people over the age of 65. Does simply getting older lead to depression? Perhaps not, but I am seeing an increase in elderly depression in my practice. As we get older, we also experience more loses in life.
You need to find out if you have clinical depression and that requires a diagnosis from a professional like a psychologist, psychiatrist, or licensed counselor. Some signs of depression can be related to medical causes and a medical doctor can clarify. Examples include: Thyroid problems, cancer, heart problems, alcohol (or drug) abuse, migraines, anemia, chronic fatigue syndrome, medication side effects, street drugs, normal grief (from losing a loved one.
- Here are some curative suggestions.
- Change your diet. Eliminate unhealthy foods like oily, fatty and fast foods.
- Talk to your medical doctor or psychologist.
- Educate yourself. Knowledge is a good defense.
- Eliminate harmful substances. Many street drugs bring an immediate high but a chronic low leading to the desire for more.
- Engage in activities. Remember, the F word is Fun. And you need to exercise and enjoy yourself. If you don’t feel like it, take a kid to a fun activity and enjoy the experience. All of this is a part of healthy living.
Dr. Ernest Jarman
June 1, 2013
How to Handle Socially Awkward People
Have you ever been approached at the office or at a party by a fun buster? These drama kings and queens would like to steal your fun and make you a part of their misery. They say that misery loves company and if you are a good listener, you can be a prime target. What do you do in such a situation? Here are some tips.
· Issues---Everyone has issues but the key is learning to live in the solution, not the problem. Don’t let someone else’s drama become your issue. Don’t allow them to rob you of your serenity and calm.
· Laugh—Use humor. Keep things on the light side. Why take things so seriously? Encourage the fun buster to laugh. Ask them if they have ever tried humor therapy. But keep your cool and use a positive attitude. A smile goes a long way here.
· Separate—When you find yourself in an uneasy social situation, create some boundaries and separate yourself. Walk away and join a different group of people. Try to surround yourself with positive energy.
· Honesty—Often people don’t want to deal with a fun buster, so they simply let him talk. Try being straight-up with the person. Perhaps, you are not interested in this topic or feel that it does not concern you. Choose your words wisely and don’t feel the need to simply go along.
· Terminate the Conversation—Think of short and polite ways to end a conversation like: “I’ve got to go now” or “Thank you for sharing.” This can leave a lasting message but it needs to be delivered, politely with a sense of calm.
· Remember, that you do not need to allow yourself to be captured by someone else’s drama. Be firm and confident and you will demonstrate respect for both yourself and others. Remember, live in the solution, not the problem.
E Ernest Jarman, Ph.D. May 5, 2013
"Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.”
--Abraham Lincoln April 1, 2013
Is Depression Contagious?
Have you ever been affected by close friends, co-workers, relatives or neighbors? It’s a downer isn’t it? Imagine, you start your day cheerful, full of energy and motivated or worse you start your day feeling a little down. People around you can bring you down. Yes, depression, feelings, emotions and fears can all be contagious. Someone else’s feelings of being depressed can easily transfer into you. This is why we may avoid such people. What causes feelings of being depressed so easy to catch? Here are a few suggestions.
1. A Negative Cognitive Triad. Psychologist Aaron Beck coined this term. There are three areas where depressed thinking is negative. Depressed people tend to look through dark-colored glasses a
nd see themselves and others as sad. This triad is a fatal mindset where anything considered can become negative and hopeless.
2. Negative energy. Have you ever experienced someone walking into a room and not speaking a word, but you can feel their negative energy. Their bad feelings become predictable and you may start to avoid or ignore them. This leads to the next step.
3. Social isolation. The depressed person feels your rejection as part of a pattern where everyone is rejecting him and he starts to isolate. He may rarely leave the house.
4. Learned Helplessness. This is a sad state when the affected person starts to feel totally ineffective like: “I can’t do anything right or anything I try will be a complete failure.” So why try? Learned helplessness is a symptom of many other disorders including PTSD and domestic violence (in the cycle of abuse).
5. “It’s easily treatable”. Now for the good news. The characteristics and symptoms described above are easily treatable through cognitive behavioral therapy. It is matter of simply changing some of our thoughts and behaviors. This is therapy, a learning process which involve active participation and change.
But don’t forget the words of Honest Abe “Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.”
Dr. Ernest Jarman,